Attorney holds photo of alleged "gay- slur cake."Pastor Jordan Brown of the Austin, Texas-based Church of Open Doors wants you to know that he has suffered. Brown, who is openly gay and helms a congregation which prides itself on being LGBT-friendly, went to Whole Foods to buy a cake which read “Love Wins,” but ended up with a cake which read “Love Wins Fag.” According to Brown’s attorneys, “He continues to be overwhelmed by the feelings of pain, anguish, and humiliation,” and endured “an excruciating experience.”

I’ve had some excruciating experiences at the grocery store, but they usually involved people squeezing 30 items into the 15-items-or-less aisle. I can’t recall ever feeling motivated to sue the place over it. Of course, I don’t buy a lot of celebratory pastry, and I don’t shop at Whole Foods; so I have never found myself staring at expertly crafted anti-me confections while standing in a grocery store less-than-lovingly-nicknamed “Whole Paycheck.” The real trouble appears to be: neither has Pastor Brown.

It started out well enough. Brown, who is not only gay but also black, checks off plenty of boxes on the media-friendly-victim application. He even tweeted a picture of the slur-iced cake; meaning it was on the Internet. And, as we all know, once the perpetually-aggrieved have seen something on the Internet, it’s immutable fact.

Of course, we also know that the perpetually-aggrieved are gullible enough to assume a tweeted photograph of an evil cake is immutable proof of evil grocery store bakers. That’s why what I like to call the “Volume of Butthurt” spiked the needle in response to Brown’s “experience.” And it nearly drowned out the following facts:

    • The alleged incident took place at a Whole Foods. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, imagine the most supremely annoying, self-important hipster you can. Imagine where the little twerp buys his tofu. That’s Whole Foods. The idea that a Whole Foods employee would write a homophobic slur onanything is sillier than a rich old lady who makes millions off Wall Street banksters promising to get tough with them after they buy her the White House.
    • The Whole Foods in question is located in Austin, Texas. Austin infamously reflects very little of the political leanings of the state of which it serves as a capital. The place is an island of leftist azure afloat in a sea of patriotic crimson. It’s San Francisco in cowboy boots; and I mean the “pointy-toed, city lawyer” kind; not the “low-heeled, works for a living” kind.
    • Whole Foods has security video which demonstrates Brown may well have tampered with the box and cake. A paragon of political correctness, in a paradise of “progressive” thought, is flat-out calling Brown a liar; thereby risking the wrath of their own core customers. They must be pretty damned sure that Brown added the slur after he purchased it, which brings us to the most important fact of all…
    • The bakery employee who actually decorated the cake is gay. In its press release, Whole Foods noted “our bakery team member…  is part of the LGBTQ community.” A homophobic-but-gay cake decorator at a Whole Foods in Austin, Texas is almost as likely as a Jewish skinhead slinging drinks at a biker bar in northern Idaho.
Pastor Jordan Brown at news conference
The “aggrieved” Pastor Jordan Brown takes a moment to compose himself as he is overcome with emotion during a press conference as he speaks about how he felt when he saw a gay slur on a cake he had ordered from Whole Foods.

Brown might be the victim in this weird little tableau; but not of Whole Foods. More likely, he’s a victim of his own foolishness, and a system of grievance-mongering which is growing like malignant foot fungus. Brown was probably temped beyond control by the promise of cash-rich notoriety for anyone willing to pimp their “protected class” membership. In an America where passively offending certain people can get a neighborhood bakery a visit from Federal Stormtroopers, actively offending those same people can mean a big paycheck from a gigantic retail chain.

Mom-and-pop bakery wouldn’t bake you a cake? Sue and be famous. Small-time wedding photographer wouldn’t take your picture? Sue and be famous. Restaurant sells the fast food you cram down your kids’ pieholes? Sue and be famous. Chain store won’t let grown men use the same bathroom as little girls? Sue and be famous. Boss won’t pay for your abortion? Sue and be famous. Company made the firearm the crazy guy stole and used in a violent crime? Sue and be famous.

And if Whole Foods didn’t decorate your cake with homophobic slurs? Add the slur, and then sue and be famous. So what if someone’s life and livelihood gets torched along the way?

Of course, if you screw it up like Pastor Brown apparently did, you probably won’t make any money, but you’ll still be famous. Check that – you’ll be infamous.

Personal Liberty

Article By: Ben Crystal

Who is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriter and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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